I smile when I think to my pre-kid self. I would roll my eyes at ‘those moms’ I would see in public, promising myself I would never be that kind of mom. Gosh, they looked like a hot mess! Why don’t they have their act together, and control those kids? Even if you’re the best mom in the world you find yourself saying things, repeatedly, every day that you never thought that you have to say in your life time. Some days things come out of my mouth and I question why I have to say them out loud. Let alone multiple times a day.
If you’re a mom who has ever stuck your face up to your baby’s butt and have taken in a big sniff, I guarantee you that you have said these things too!

“Stop licking that!!”
Yes, I can’t believe I have had to say this but I have. Stop licking that dirty exam table at the doctor’s office, stop licking that table at school, stop licking up those spilled fruit snacks off the floor. I swear my kids go out in public and try to contract ever germ they can get. They must think “hey, we have not had strep throat in a while let’s see if we can contract that today!”

 

“Can you please stop making direct eye contact with me when I am going to the bathroom”
I never thought in a million years, pre-kids, that I could make direct eye contract with another human and still use the restroom. However, I do this daily. They must they stand there and look you right in the eye, and ask what you are doing. Every day, the same thing! It’s like what do you think I am doing, baking a cake? Also, why is that the exact moment they need to tell you this long drawn out story about something that happed two years ago? Can’t it wait?

 

“Who pooped?”
I say this so many times a day. I sniff the air, trying to find that fowl smelling odor. Is it the babies dirty diaper? Did the preschool forget to flush her trucker turd? Did the dog drop one inside? Who pooped, where is it, and why do I have to conduct this smelly scavenger hunt?

 

“Why are you naked?”
Toddlers are like that one drunk friend who has had one too many tequila shots. They are contently talking loudly, trying to get undressed, and they have the munchies all the time! The minute you get one dressed, you turn around and the other one is naked. I say lean in to it, heck if I had that skinny body I would be naked all the time too. However, when you live in the Midwest, you can’t always let your toddler run around naked.

 

“What is that on my shirt?”
I wonder this so many times throughout the day. Is that someone’s booger or is it a fruit snack? How did my shirt get dirty already, it was a clean shirt and I have only walked ten feet!

The other night I literally had no idea why I had blue paint all over my sweat pants, we had not painted all day! It’s amazing the mystery items and stains a mom can accumulate in one day.
The other day I literally watched my son pick his nose, look at the booger on this finger, walk over to me, and smear it on my shirt saying  “icky”. For real kid, I am not a human tissue.
A mom’s shirt is like a magnet for evidence of your long day with the children. There have been times my husband comes home and asked what we did that day, and I just point to my shirt.
(Read more about my theory about mom shirts here).

 

I hope I am not the only mom who spends her days saying these things out loud, repeatedly. I swear I am not a hot mess, I am just a mom!