I did the most selfish thing that I have ever done since having KIDS. And I can say I’m completely fine with it!
Nope, I don’t regret it for a second. I don’t have mom guilt. I even think it saved my marriage.
For the first time in a long time, longer then I can even remember, I put myself first in a BIG way. I will tell you how in a minute.
First off… this was me last Wednesday night. Yep, the true me. The rock bottom me. I had hit my breaking point! I had hit my all-time low. Motherhood is just non-stop and sometimes it hits you.
It was a combination of things…
Part of it was that I was in this ‘mom funk’. I was so sick of getting up every day and doing the same thing Every Single Day!!! Breakfast, clean house/play, lunch, nap time battle, snack, dinner, bath time, bed time battle. Repeat. I was sick of giving so much of myself to everyone around me; little pieces of myself until I was so empty at night. I felt like a shell of myself.
I was burned out! I had not been away from my kids in WEEKS! I had not spent alone time with my husband since my three-hour birthday date almost eight months ago. Before that, the only ‘kid free alone time’ we had gotten was when I was literally in labor with my son! We had not had that time to connect, we were too tired at night to even communicate with each other. We had become short with one another. We had become roommates due to the fact that we were always putting our kids ahead of our relationship.
Maybe it was a little of cabin fever too, after being stuck inside with the kids for months-on-end. Part of it due to cold weather, part the repetitive illness our house had faced all winter long. I was sick of staring at the same four walls day-in and day-out.
However, the biggest part of it was the fact that I missed being the ‘old me’. I was sick of being viewed as just a MOM! I was sick of not being that pre-kid me. Where we used to be able to just pack up and travel at a moment’s notice. Where we did not plan things weeks in advance. Where our Saturday routine was not based around nap time. Where we did not have to pack up the whole house to just go on a day trip to run errands. I miss being spontaneous!!!
So, Thursday morning, after a night of crying on the phone to my mom. (Along with multiple pounds of chocolate and a glass of wine.) I woke up, with this fire in my belly, to change things. This burning desire to get the hell out of dodge.
I stood at the kitchen counter as the kids fought over who had more banana on their breakfast plate, and I googled last minute family vacations. I was set on packing up this circus and getting our butts to some sunshine. We needed something exciting, an adventure to get us out of this funk.
I texted my mom about my wild idea, as I was about to push the delate button on the whole thing. She responded “NO!! Absolutely not! I will take the kids! You have to spend time with your husband!” In true mom fashion she was RIGHT!
So, after a few texts back and forth, I gave in and agreed. We needed to getaway. To reconnect. To breath. To sleep. To be people again, not just parents.
When I told my husband that my mom agreed to take the kids for five days, and we were going to get a break. There was a sparkle in his eye, a sparkle that I had not seen in a long time. This over worked, devoted husband and father needed this too!
Now, we are not people that would EVER normally do this. We are EXTREMELY frugal people. Every extra penny we have goes to pay off student loans. We don’t live a fancy life. We don’t go out to eat at restaurants EVER. This is where the guilt started to try to creep in… we should be spending this money on the kids. Nope, I put an end to that real fast. We needed this, we needed this so we could be better parents. So that we would be less short with the kids and one another. We needed to regroup. We needed to show our kids that our relationship is important too. We need to show them what a marriage filled with love really looks like.
So, with a quivering hand, we booked our cheap last-minute trip. As we did so, we looked at each other with wide eyes and a smile on our face.
I was so excited for a break. I was so over joyed with reconnecting with my husband in a few weeks, when we would sneak off alone. However, I was amazed how even the aspect of our trip changed our marriage. He started texting more often to check in on me and see how “my day” was going. We would fantasize every night about what we were more excited about— sleeping or not hearing the word “snack”. The planning aspect of the trip had brought us closer together then we had been in months.
I have to say, hands down this is the most selfish thing I have done since having kids. HANDS DOWN! However, I don’t regret it at all. I have this overwhelming sense of peace. This feeling of freedom, and excitement. I feel like me again, not just a snack train or a laundry maiden. I feel like a person again. I feel connected to my husband again. I feel hope, something that I have not felt in a long time!